My heart.

I’m halfway into my trip, and on my way back to my family in a day.  I will say that I’ve really struggled with the shy part of myself, the part that doesn’t always want to tap dance for an audience and be made responsible for comedy relief.  I’ve tried to make myself vulnerable, while staying open to the next thing. Really wish that I could show you everything that we came across.  I wish you could have listened into some of my convos.  So so so so so much to take in, pry apart, put away, and pull out again.  I can’t wait to share everything in a more cohesive manner.

I will say that I love Irmz, Cris, Val, and Terrie.  To come up with, and to be witness to growth with these amazing women doing this work —- it’s way more than I can ask for.  Kasama love is just on some next level shit that I can’t even articulate.

Right now, I am sharing a bunk bed with Nanay Neng, who is the GABRIELA Chair and GABRIELA Party List coordinator of Davao.  She has been organizing for 25++ years, and laughs when you ask her to tell the story of how she broke out of jail during martial law, and the 4 times she was imprisoned.  Across from me is Nanay Daday, who told me about the Escalante Massacre and how she survived it, and founded a womens organization in Negros Occidental as a result.  Mama Mesay is amazing - and told me about the Sugarbowl fo the Philippines, the plantation system in Negros, and how she is hopeful for all of us. Then, there is Nanay Atel, who is waiting for me to head to Caraga.  These women  call me their daughter.

Will I be like them in  two decades?  I can only hope so.  I’ve cried a lot while here, know that.

Oh, yeah!  And thank you for all the well wishes and emails.  They really made my heart smile.

unfamiliar things that shouldn't be surprising

I AM IN THE PHILIPPINES! <3

I haven’t slept.  The air here has that smokey sweetness, like burning and cracked banana peels.  The roosters were crowing at 3 a.m., it is 9 in the morning now.  They haven’t stopped.  I am trying to reach for the familiar in the Philippines - the country which existed to the 4 to 6 year old in me - when I lived in Paranaque and attended Regis Marie School. I still can’t believe I’m here. I still can’t believe I’m here. I still can’t believe I’m here, but I am.

Thangs:

• I met my 10 year old cousin for the first time this morning.  He told me to speak only English to him, as he doesn’t do conversational Tagalog.
• the tabo.
• There is a maid here.  It is rude to clean up after myself.
• The Megamalls.  They are ridiculous.  They are social places with air conditioning.
• cold showers by default.
• The cost of living is ridiculously cheap, even on my meager community health worker salary.
• Outdoor dirty kitchens.  I love them.  I love fried fish.
• My other cousin said, “Ate Hanalei, guess who is #2 in my class?”  I guessed correctly, and offered to beat #1, since I’m not from around here anyway.
• My grandmother enjoys pointing out things that make me raise an eyebrow (internally.)  We have fundamentally parted.
• My hair is genetically predisposed to look GOOD AS HELL in this climate.

Wish me luck as I head to the mall to run some errands and celebrate capitalism! <3

triggered.

I am reading bell hooks’ Communion in bed during a Sunday morning. I FINALLY got to sleep in.

As transforming as it is, it has put me in a very emotionally vulnerable space.  Maybe it wasn’t the best book to begin when I’m already stressed out and FEELING IT.  But let me not front, I LOVE READING ABOUT LOVE!

These things are running through my head:

1) About two years ago, my friends and I were a little lost in the deep Bronx.  One of the poets in charge of the space gave us a ride to some delicious restaurant where we ordered some of the best modongo ever.  On the ride over, he kept talking about how he loved this woman he’d been with forever and how he was looking forward to marrying her.  It was terribly endearing.

2) A couple of shows ago, the bartender hooked me up with the Jameson.  In return, I bought him some homeware off his wedding registry.  Last night was his wedding at the bar where we met. He invited me to come out; that was kind of him.

3) I saw my friend had All About Love on his coffee table.  As a result, I have decided that he and I should hang out more.  We will talk about love and the politics of space during our lunch breaks.  He mentioned getting a massage and the power of touch on the body and the concerns that didn’t even cross his mind due to his own male privilege.  If we get the chance, we’ll talk about that, too.  I want to be in the wedding party when he marries my best friend.  YEAH, I SAID IT!

4) dahan dahan and the giddies.  These are the ruling forces of my current life.

5) I wanted to become a spinster after the series of douchebags I’ve dated.  Now, I’ve abandoned those plans because sometimes, books make me cry.  Communion is one of these books.