They are playing Robbie Williams at the cafe, and it reminds me of how I am no longer accustomed to this life

I am having a difficult time transitioning back into my life here in the States.  I find things a bit more challenging, but less problem-filled.  (Does that make sense?)  A lot of the internal issues with which I’ve struggled in the last year, I now realize, are manifestations of my various privileges.  Slowly, I am whittling things down to basics: staying emotionally healthy, my family, my loved ones, my work (community, economically, artistically, and other.)  I’m currently at a cafe with Ro by Columbia’s campus, and I’m forcing myself to write and purge so that the process is articulated.  I’ve been feeling so much in the last two weeks of being home, but have surfaced with very little output.

Bottom line, the trip was life altering as expected.  From reaffirming my commitment to this larger movement and meeting much of my family for the first time as an adult, I am trying my best to be patient with myself as I reassess everything I know.  (Yes.  A bit melodramatic, but I still mean it.)

I figure the best place to begin would be a gratitude list.  Then, back to my journal (you know, the one which requires an actual pen to function.)

GRATITUDE LIST:

• You may not believe this, but I am introverted.  It’s my well groomed secret.
• I was finally able to go back to the Philippines after 10 years.  I was able to think a lot, since all I had was time.
• Being able to share my experience in the Philippines with Irma, Val, Terrie, Cris, and Catherine.
• I BOUGHT SO MANY HANKIES!  <3
• I taught myself CSS!
• I think the extended adolescent in me really is in love with the idea of having slumber parties with my friends.  They’re fun!
• The time to finally begin Oscar Wao
• My friends who love me and have waited for me; who have been excited for my little victories.
• I am going to Brazil with my BFF, y’all.  We’re gonna celebrate my birthday/Carnaval mad lovely.
• Having meals with friends (new and old.)
• Rowena really understands the artistic process and how it affects an artist’s rhythm and mental health.  I appreciate this lots.
• Realizing the importance of my family in my life.
• being able to know myself well enough; being able to articulate these things.
• the other week, I was able to have cheeseburgers with Corinne and Vic at 5 am, and we felt like we were 19 again.
• We also went bowling on an afternoon in the middle of the week.  It was surreal.
• Witnessing Catherine get attacked by a monkey at the tarsier park.  That shit was hilarious.
• Television’s departure from reality shows, and return to good writing and story arcs.
• I have a lot of really good folks in my corner.
• HI, UNCLE CARLOS!!!!! :)
• I promised some folks that I’d visit them in London and the Bay Area this spring.  I love seeing my folks.
• Writing again.
• Carolyn’s Pretty Wangs Night becoming a recurring thing.
• I’ve become better at staying in touch.
• I’ve really missed my friends, so having all these “welcome back” conversations have really warmed the heart!  Thank you to Helene, Jesse, Patricia, Tina, Ro, Angel, FiRE ladies, and Stephen for helping me recreate home.
• Focusing on being more intentional in the coming year.
• Knowing that I am committed to the long haul.

Wow.  Those seem pretty vague.  BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD! <3

And for the hell of it...

My favorite vignettes from the film, Paris, Je T’aime.

I indicate why it’s a fave of mine below the clip.  (If these are your favorites, too, then we must be film soul mates.  WE MUST BE! Let’s make billions of film babies together, and go to San Diego and scare my grandma!  JOKES.)  The reasons written will be very emotional, and will not talk about the aesthetics of cinema, because I don’t know that language.  I will mostly talk about love.  Because really now, what else is there?

Quais de Seine

Don’t play yourself!  Who doesn’t find the beginnings-of-love the stuff-of-life?  Zarka COMES CORRECT, and is akin to the image of the young woman I wanted to be in college while 16. (Cue the Spice Girls - GIRL POWER!)  But you know, this shit is kinda racist, because the invitation extended by Grandpa only works as the tender climax if we’ve really internalized some paternalistic stereotypes about Islam.  (I’m just sayin.)

Quartier Latin

The flying kiss at the end, and the line that warrants it really allows us to better understand the expanses and ranges of love.  While this type of thing can easily become some weird DV situation, both oldies know their limits, tell the truth, and allow themselves that very familiar/intimate vocabulary that any one couple shares.

Place des Fetes

It’s no mystery!  I got the EMOdarkness in me.  This short is so drunkenly beautiful, told in flashback, and then the corniness of the coffee act as the bookends to contain the story —- it’s the kind of thang my heart craves sometimes.

Bastille

Similar to the Quartier Latin short, there’s that return to the familiarity despite the “sins” within the relationship.  It’s very human to battle our shortcomings when faced with our partner, to wrong them, then to commit penance FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!  It may simply appeal to the dormant Roman Catholic in me who finds punishment and self-loathing comfortable.

14th Arrondissement

She has a fannypack, she is adorable, and she is so redheadUSA.  I love her!

My heart.

I’m halfway into my trip, and on my way back to my family in a day.  I will say that I’ve really struggled with the shy part of myself, the part that doesn’t always want to tap dance for an audience and be made responsible for comedy relief.  I’ve tried to make myself vulnerable, while staying open to the next thing. Really wish that I could show you everything that we came across.  I wish you could have listened into some of my convos.  So so so so so much to take in, pry apart, put away, and pull out again.  I can’t wait to share everything in a more cohesive manner.

I will say that I love Irmz, Cris, Val, and Terrie.  To come up with, and to be witness to growth with these amazing women doing this work —- it’s way more than I can ask for.  Kasama love is just on some next level shit that I can’t even articulate.

Right now, I am sharing a bunk bed with Nanay Neng, who is the GABRIELA Chair and GABRIELA Party List coordinator of Davao.  She has been organizing for 25++ years, and laughs when you ask her to tell the story of how she broke out of jail during martial law, and the 4 times she was imprisoned.  Across from me is Nanay Daday, who told me about the Escalante Massacre and how she survived it, and founded a womens organization in Negros Occidental as a result.  Mama Mesay is amazing - and told me about the Sugarbowl fo the Philippines, the plantation system in Negros, and how she is hopeful for all of us. Then, there is Nanay Atel, who is waiting for me to head to Caraga.  These women  call me their daughter.

Will I be like them in  two decades?  I can only hope so.  I’ve cried a lot while here, know that.

Oh, yeah!  And thank you for all the well wishes and emails.  They really made my heart smile.

unfamiliar things that shouldn't be surprising

I AM IN THE PHILIPPINES! <3

I haven’t slept.  The air here has that smokey sweetness, like burning and cracked banana peels.  The roosters were crowing at 3 a.m., it is 9 in the morning now.  They haven’t stopped.  I am trying to reach for the familiar in the Philippines - the country which existed to the 4 to 6 year old in me - when I lived in Paranaque and attended Regis Marie School. I still can’t believe I’m here. I still can’t believe I’m here. I still can’t believe I’m here, but I am.

Thangs:

• I met my 10 year old cousin for the first time this morning.  He told me to speak only English to him, as he doesn’t do conversational Tagalog.
• the tabo.
• There is a maid here.  It is rude to clean up after myself.
• The Megamalls.  They are ridiculous.  They are social places with air conditioning.
• cold showers by default.
• The cost of living is ridiculously cheap, even on my meager community health worker salary.
• Outdoor dirty kitchens.  I love them.  I love fried fish.
• My other cousin said, “Ate Hanalei, guess who is #2 in my class?”  I guessed correctly, and offered to beat #1, since I’m not from around here anyway.
• My grandmother enjoys pointing out things that make me raise an eyebrow (internally.)  We have fundamentally parted.
• My hair is genetically predisposed to look GOOD AS HELL in this climate.

Wish me luck as I head to the mall to run some errands and celebrate capitalism! <3